So Much Pain– Feeling Trapped by Illness

It’s gotten so hard- thinking, breathing, moving. Everything is in some strange suspended capsule of illness. I can’t leave, even for a moment, to return to clearer thoughts or more energy. I have no good days anymore, and I don’t expect them. I just exist in my secluded state of non-life, remembering when I felt more human. I obsessively research symptoms and try new drugs because the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of something better than my current state. There are no small rewards in in the present. Smiles are forced. Movements are robotic. I can’t see color anymore- there are only silhouettes of happiness or satisfaction.
I miss my strong self. There was a time when I could appreciate happiness in others, and respect my compromised position. I had more patience, grace, and an open heart. It’s been too long since I’ve had any sort of release from my illness. I feel too caged, too sad, with no windows for clear sight or enlightenment to help me cope with my situation. Even when I try to be strong and ambitious, I’m shot down, again and again. I’m faced with countless lives more full than my own. I’m constantly faced with the things I cannot do- the abilities inside me that cannot be accessed. Everything is unfair. There is so much pain and so few answers. I need there to be more. I need a fairy tale, a god, a hero, a miracle. Nothing tangible or likely is enough anymore. I need out.

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